he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
