Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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