Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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