Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
