He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
how drunk are you?
Several
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
