i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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