Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
