I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
