when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
