I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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