You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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