Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
