Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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