You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
