Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
