She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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