my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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