now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
