we have pet lesbian snakes
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize