I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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