My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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