i can't believe i had my finger in that
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
