he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
