I wish I could punch you in the face.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize