I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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