Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
