First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
