my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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