she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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