he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
