his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
