i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
