just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize