I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
