I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
