got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
