You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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