i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
