I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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