I heard we made out
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
