I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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