Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
