Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
