When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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