i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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