I need help removing her.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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