you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
