i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize