i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
