Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
