We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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