You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
