No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need a beard to bite.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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