I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
