I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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