you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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