Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
