Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize