My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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