My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
