im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
