We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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