The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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